6:04 p.m. - 2009-05-25
ghostgirls
i dont feel anything. not even fear, or apprehension, not even the movement of time. i dont feel anything. he pulls me out of my skin, slowly, coaxing and the sweetness does more than the bacardi, his compliments and his infatuation with me, and how he's been calling me but i havent been picking up. checklists and garbage and all these things, i'm trying to hold on to my body, i'm trying to let the beautiful butterfly out of the coccoon. i finally dont need or want daniel. and it feels good, freeing and good, and strange the way i look back on it and wonder how i felt that. i dont feel anything. this new guy kisses me, he fucks me really hard and he slaps my ass and he is so appreciative of my body, he calls me beautiful and i know he's falling in love with me. i feel the glimmer, i felt it, i came with tears in my eyes as his body was so so close to mine. i remembered what it felt like to have sex because the yes was there in my mind. because the yes was there already, a natural thing. not this demanding need, this need that covers and hides other things, other wants and other dissatisfactions, the way daniel and i were as lovers was that we were fulfilling this need. we needed it. and sometimes we really hated each other but we still needed it. it feels so good to not need that anymore, that backbreaking love, ugh it was exhausting. now, things are different. i'm try to decide what to make out of this void. i want so many things. money is a constant nagging problem, i know. i have to follow my body, follow my heart, it will take me there, where i can cash in. i have to prepare myself again, the act of acting, the act of disguising myself within myself, playing the whore, playing the girlfriend, the lover, the girl who never wanted you but she wants you now, as long as you have the two hundred, she wants you now. it's strange the way i can be a girl wrapped up inside a girl. the way i can shapeshift and the way i do it naturally, but to do it for pay you must learn to coax it, it has to happen, you have to make it happening. it's acting, it's sweet and simple acting, but the same time the other girl, the one i really am, is watching, alert and ready, alert and ready for anything. that's the little bit of panic that i dont feel. thats the little nagging worry, that it will go bad. but the slut takes those risks too, not just the whore. and the wife does too. you may not realize it but the wife takes the biggest risk of them all. but am i trying to convince myself or just you? or am i just saying what i have to do. i have to make and be and i will find the money somewhere in my smile, somewhere in my pussy. but the real girl will still be here, in my words, in my guitar, in the fucking i do for free, i'll still be here, in my heart of hearts not feeling anything at all, not even the movement of time. no, not at all.