8:52 p.m. - 2009-05-27
easy lies
i write about it now. i write about this, about the current that takes me with it. there is no way for me to seperate myself out. there is no way for me to be perfect. or even "good enough". that's not the point of the loving and living and fucking and playing that i do. i do. i'm trying to explain this sort of living. reactionary, yes. because my idea of the future and of revolution and all that is right now. if i can't be this girl i am right now than how can i ever be? how will i ever be? if i can't do it right now? so i do it and i get punched in the face, literally, metaphorically, symbollically. as courtney love says of the girlVIRUS "it gets made a humiliating example of over and over again". it sucks. i reserve the right to feel my feelings regardless of whether or not i'm allowed to. i have to feel what i feel. if i can't feel it, what am i? if i don't allow myself to hate or to kill then what am i? am i even an animal anymore? could i say i have a soul? if i do not feel these things that i feel than really, i am nothing at all. and if that means being degraded again and again well fine. because in the end the satisfaction i get will be greater than the pain. i'll play guitar. publish my zines. fuck the way i want to. accomplish my wild ambitions. i'll make it. but not if i deny the truth. not if i pretend. not if i hide under easy lies.