7:42 p.m. - 2009-08-05
collapse, relapse, confide and rewind
its not that im going to kill myself, i say to my beer. it's not that i'm not a punkrocker anymore, i swear its not. its not like i'm trying to kill myself, its just that im dying a little bit, just a little bit. its not like im going to shave my armpits or anything, but i havent deepthroated a strangers dick in a long time and im starting to feel less whole. i thought i needed a man to love me to make me feel whole. but i realized i really just need grrrrlfriends. "just" is a misleading word, because grrrrlfriends are the hardest things to get. i wanna party like a rockstar, i swear i do. i want to be a bitch: no police please, no violence, no knives (i've been dreaming about getting stabbed), no bullshit please. i want to run to the beach full speed and jump in the dirty shit filled water. i only had a couple sips of my beer i swear. predrinking cuz i know he's bringing pussy beer and not a lot of it. and i have a UTI and a yeast infection and i'm supposed to fuck tonight, to prove my love and commitment, to prove it. i'm gonna be a cowgirl and a bitch. it's not that i'm crazy, it's that i'm alive but i'm dying, and as the colour drains from me... where does it go? WHERE IS IT GOING? i need to wake up. i need to remember. don't you remember, who i used to be? not that i was ever happy, but i was alive, i wasnt dying, i didnt have a thought for death or success i was just alive. alive, alive. my beer is lying to me, she is telling me i'm so pretty and i'm so crazy and i'm so wild and i'm so fierce, she is telling me that everyone wants to fuck me and i can do ANYTHING i want. i want to wake up. i want the trees to speak to me like they used to, i want them to wrap me in their sweet smelling branches, i dont want to be ok, i want to be ALIVE, i want to exist again, i want to repent these sins: Ishtar, i'm so so so fuckin sorry for ever worshipping him.