12:53 a.m. - 2009-08-17
wake up.
it was nice to be outside tonight, alone in the heat. the heavy heat of what summer is supposed to be. the way my body moved through it like i was swimming in water. i fell in love with this city all over again. i came to peace with certain things, laid some things to rest. i awoke from the blur, for a moment, i felt it. the goddess crashed down on me. i knew something, i knew i was new. i waded through the water that was the city streets and i walked all the way home from the copy place. i only like walking at night. i like the way the dark hides me. i feel safer at night. it is so comfortable and sweet, and tonight so warm. i felt like the world might really hold me if i fell, i might be okay afterall. and in the quiet i realized how much i have been abandoning myself and my true conviction in favour of easy options. there are several things. things i've been avoiding, things i've already realized but forgotten, slipped back into bad habits, the thing is: revelations need to be maintained. it's not enough to have an epiphany, you have to maintain it, because "how things have always been" has time and history on it's side. "how things are" ... it's hard to remember sometimes how mailable it all is, but things don't just morph spontaneously, you have to use concentrated, directed energy. i know what i want. i have wasted enough time pretending that i don't. i fill my mind with senseless chatter because if it were quiet i would hear the truth loud and clear. i don't want to be afraid anymore... i remember a long time ago when i realized that a lot of fear was actually bottled up tension from being dishonest with myself. i would lie to myself and trick myself to avoid confrontation, and the resulting tension would manifest as fear. i'm not allowed to be honest about things, really, the way things are organized are all around lies. but the truth is still there somewhere, my truth, what i saw and what i felt. i need to be real and i need to wake up, i have invited the goddess inside of me, i have opened to her deafening breathtaking power, i have touched the tree and felt the years pass over it and the sunlight it drank in, i have seen her in an eight pointed star, i have seen the connection and felt her breath on my skin, iloveher, my heart beats and breaks my ribcage and my soul comes flying out, i remember, i am one with everything, i can see the child i was collecting rocks in the river, and she's so beautiful, i want to reach out and hold her and tell her things are going to be okay, and she smashed the rocks open with a hammer, looking for rubies, and really believing they were there, really believing the sparkle was worth something.