3:41 p.m. - 2009-10-18
hearts crossed out
just to let everyone know:
when i was 12 my grandfather forcibly made out with me.
he was an incestuous pedophile who terrorized me, my sister and my 2 girl cousins throughout our childhoods.
he died this year, free and happy and comfortable. he assaulted me ten years ago as i am now 22.
i went up to the cottage, the place of my childhood, the faerie land of my dreams, where he assaulted me, where i haven't been since the police got involved when i was 15 (7 years ago).
it was so strange being there, so strange that everything is still there: the lake, the trees, the sky, the land. it is all still there. it was me who was gone.
i kept expecting to see him around every corner, but i didn't because he is dead.
i went into the bathroom, the bathroom where he assaulted me, and sitting next to the sink was a cup that said "number one grampa". with a heart.
i wanted to puke. i wanted to X out the heart.
incest is such a fucked up thing.
i am so scared (sure) that my father is going to be just like him.
my father said something while we were there, something about how he couldn't wait for his grandkids to be born.
i feel panic rushing up all around me.
i want to be a mother so bad. i want kids. i want a family.
i want my mother to be a part of my children's life. a big part.
but i don't want them to see my father, i am so scared of what he might do, i'm so scared of the way he acts and the slippery way that incest becomes normal.
when i was 12 i knew i could never let my kids see their grandfather. and i don't think it's just because of what my grandfather did, it is also the way my father acts and the way he saw nothing wrong with what my grandfather did.
my babies aren't even here yet and i am dead set on protecting them, sick with fear, panic and confusion.
i do not want this cycle to continue.